(Death, Heaven, Purgatory, Hell)
Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults
|
|
A Word to Wives Whose Husbands Have a Pornography Habit
Chances are that:
* you will find unmistakable evidence of your husband's pornography
problem long before he realizes that you are aware of it
* your husband will deny being involved with pornography
*you will be the one initially seeking help for your husband's
problem. By a ratio of about 4-to-1, it is the wives who initiate contact with
the Family Life Center in search of assistance for their husbands.
you may be blamed for (all or part of) the problem
discovering your husband's addiction may cause you to feel (one or more of the
following): betrayed, deceived, angry, inadequate, rejected, shameful, desperate
*you will worry about how your husband's addiction may affect
your children
*you will feel a loss of intimacy in your marriage as
pornography drives a wedge between you and your husband
We recommend that you:
*learn all you can about breaking a pornography addiction
*contact a hotline or counselor, to assist you in
developing an intervention strategy
*confront your husband's problem (similar to a drug or alcohol
intervention)
*practice "tough love" with your husband. Assist him in
overcoming his addiction, but do not enable his addiction by covering up his
behavior
*resist any perverted sexual demands from your husband
(pornography addicts frequently desire to "act out" the perversions they view)
*resist the false notion that if you make efforts to become
"sexier" it will solve your husband's pornography problem
*maintain a pleasant appearance and warm physical affection for
your husband. Sometime wives will attempt to become more attractive in order to
compete with the women in the pornographic images, in the vain hope of curing
the addiction this way. After such an attempt fails, a wife can feel disgusted
and then go to the opposite extreme of neglecting her personal appearance and
abandoning physical affection toward her husband. In the midst of this crisis,
avoid the extremes. Regarding physical appearance and affection, just follow the
prudent pattern that any Christian wife should
be careful in accepting addiction recovery advice. An addicted husband is more
concerned with a selfish fulfillment of his addiction than with how the
addiction is harming those around him. Too frequently, bad advice is given to
wives when they are counseled (even by Christian counselors) to deal with a
spouse's addiction by: preserving self, asserting self, and forgetting him by
just looking out for self. What is really needed is a dependence upon God (not
self) as your source of strength, and a "tough love" approach towards your
spouse. You obviously need to take all necessary steps to protect your health
and safety, but such prudent protection does not consist of a recovery plan
focused on self
*participate in an organization that can help you and your
husband to rebuild intimacy and strengthen your marriage (see the links for
recommended organizations under "Help for Hurting Marriages" at
www.dads.org)
do not deny the problem and do not delay seeking assistance. Spouses of
alcoholics routinely take seven years to reach the place where they will finally
acknowledge that their spouses are alcoholics. On the average, it is an
additional two years before they seek and obtain assistance; in the meantime,
nine years of alcoholism have ravaged family life. Although you might be tempted
to ignore your husband's pornography addiction, don't. Pornography, like
alcoholism, isn't a problem that gets better with time if left untreated.
Involvement with pornography is an escalating habit. After getting informed,
take immediate steps to help your husband root out his addiction rather than
allow it to deepen and degenerate.